my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
