he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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