Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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