my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
