Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dear god my vagina.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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