listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
