I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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