i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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