pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
