she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
