turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
