What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
