I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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