I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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