Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
