I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he fucked my hip out of place.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize