just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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