At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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