your parents love me but you hate me
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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