if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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