i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
When are your genitals available?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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