I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize