I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
