Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
