Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
