last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
