I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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