He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
