when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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