so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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