I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize