before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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