I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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