I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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