Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize