I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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