I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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