just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Terrible idea I love it
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
