Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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