You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
