you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
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