Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize