If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
