Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
