Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
