Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
