I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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