Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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