Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
