Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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