mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize