a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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