Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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