I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
