I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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