i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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