My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
