Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
