You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
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