cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
